Denied

I experienced my first rejection as a mother. Several weeks ago I ‘applied’ to join an online-email mom’s group. It was recommended by several people who raved about how families share information, pass along baby items that their family has outgrown, and connect with others. This sounded great to me and I was looking forward to joining.

I found the group online. It is a neighborhood-based group in Seattle. I won’t name the group or location, but it is in a nicer neighborhood. I received a form email saying the group has tightened their security and people must now apply. It went on to state the purpose of the group: to support moms and the challenges they face, and to share information. They also want to verify that applicants live in the neighborhood or close to it. I dutifully sent my ‘letter’ to the moderator with the requisite information and then waited.

A few days later I received an email back saying my application was denied. Our home was deemed too far out of their community to be invited in. Until that moment I hadn’t realized that email has boundaries, communities, or neighborhoods. I thought that was part of the point of email to connect beyond arbitrary boundaries. I was upset and came close to ‘angry emailing’ (emailing when you are so upset you don’t care what you write). Thankfully my even tempered husband stopped me.

As I sat there steaming from the rejection I wondered if this is the new form of playground dissing, was I being rejected because of my lack of cool? It felt like I wasn’t part of the popular crowd.

I tried to figure out why I was so upset about the moderator’s email. I was angry because the ‘denial’ or ‘rejection’ went against my values and offended my sense of community. I work at Foundation for Early Learning because I see the value in connecting families. Our coalition building grants are at the heart of this, we bring diverse groups together. We want people to share and see strength in meeting families where they are socially, geographically, and celebrate their diversity. The EarlyLearningCommunity.org does the same, it makes the world a little smaller and invites and unites people in. Libraries do the same; they are open to all and pride themselves on welcoming families to share in learning together and connecting people with important information.

I emailed several friends about my rejection and to get a reality check; was I over reacting or being self-righteous to think that I should be allowed in? Two friends gave me the humor needed in this situation: “do they have bylaws?” and “In the words of Grey’s Anatomy, Seriously?” Another close friend said she was also rejected by the group; her family was deemed too far outside of the zone even though her friend who lives a few blocks away was allowed in. Collectively we all wondered if this is the new form of red-lining as those of us rejected live in much more diverse neighborhoods. Our addresses were not in the cool enough neighborhoods.

After calming down I emailed the moderator back and wrote that I understood her rationale but I didn’t understand why her group was so prescriptive in their membership, especially because the group is email based. I also shared that I thought her group was missing out on important resources, especially since that is one of their stated goals. An email back confirmed that the group valued their neighborhood bonds. The moderator’s email back was polite, she said members felt it important to stay neighborhood based and to keep the group limited to local people because it prevents people from having to drive around for play-dates and to pick-up items offered. That is understandable and not something that I wholly agree with, but it is their group and they can choose who to allow in. She was gracious in volunteering to help me start my own neighborhood email group, which I politely declined; my interest was tapping into a larger network of parents and families.

I have moved on from this experience. It forced me to confront my values and the values that I want to perpetuate as a parent. I licked my email wounds and found a more inviting and inclusive email based group to join. This group thinks my family is cool enough to join and we’re happy to play on their playground.